I don't want to be here tonight. This is when the discipline of showing up will have to be my motivation because I don't have words. I say that now. Paragraphs from now, you will be scratching your head and saying to yourself, "I thought she said that she didn't have any words." When I have no words, I come to this keyboard. I listen deeply to my soul and enter sort of a state of meditation. My fingers move leading me to the words.
Tonight feels like a state of limbo. Neither here not there. All of the things and none of the things tangled together. I want to write but I don't want to write. Thankfully, my desire to show up is great because I feel like here, here, here, in these words, I will be healed. I will find redemption.
Shit. There's a loaded word. Religion of my past creeps into my present. Actually, today, is World Goddess Day. I don't even know what to say about that. I don't know what it means. I know that I am instinctively drawn to the message and the energy of the divine feminine. Beyond that, I know little of Goddess spirituality.
I know nothing but little of any spirituality now. Christianity was my native tongue. Since leaving that country, I don't quite know how to speak of what stirs my heart, of where I find truth, of the love that draws me into life.
For a long time, I could tell you of all that I did not believe. Questions, doubts, and unbelief poured out of me. Lately it seems that even the questions fail me. Without the guiding light of my questions, I am losing my way.
Zora Heale Huston says that there are years that ask questions and years that answer. I am living in neither. I am living in a year of limbo.
Dedicating a year to excavating my soul, I thought that by now as the last quarter of 2015 draws near, I would have a sense of direction. Not yet. Not yet.
Maybe I don't know the way because the way has yet to be created. Maybe I have to create the way. Gasp. There's the woo woo showing up. Honestly, it even feels too woo woo for me because I don't quite know where to start. What are the rules? Where is the rule book?
It just occurred to me that as a rebel spirit, maybe I need something to rebel against. Maybe that was the beauty of my years of Christianity. I was engaged and growing because I was questioning, pushing down idols, finding out where the edge was. The day came that I took one step too many in the direction of that edge and walked right over the side, down the slippery slope, and landed in this place.
In the Land of Limbo.
This song is playing on repeat as I type tonight. It showed up on a playlist while I was journaling and something about these words, this melody, the droning one note in the background, and his voice that feels important. In fact, I want to say that it almost feels like water pouring over me as I listen, a baptism of sorts. I'll leave you with it.