she who burns

sky above me
earth below me
fire within me

If you are making a list of things that make me cry, add any Simon and Garfunkel song. This morning it was this one that I heard on the way from taking my grandsons to school. 

It's tender and feels fragile here in the United States. Our election is less than a week away and it has divided our citizens like no other election in my memory. Our indigenous people are fighting to save their sacred land and water from a gas pipeline while another burns in another state and another dumps tons of gas into a river. The news feed is a just a list of fearful, violent, and corrupt acts. 

Where is my America?

I am looking for her.
I am looking for the hope, the light and love, the kindness and compassion.
I am looking for the goodness I believe lies within us all.

That's the soft part of me. 

The hard part of me is a fire breathing dragon ready to take on injustice, misogyny, and racism. I am a fighter or at least I think I am. I want to fight and make a difference, instigate some change. Fighting makes me vulnerable though. I know this. Fighting is my energy leak. 

Some people are designed for the fight. I like to think that I am. I like to think that I am the tough girl, the nasty woman, the one who can fight the battles but I'm not that woman. I have played that role because it feels like to be taken seriously I have to be her. I have played that role to others while coming home and collapsing into the arms of my love, my rock, my husband and weeping until exhausted. 

I can't fight anymore. It's not how I want to live my life. It's not how I want to be with those that I love. It's not how I want to move through the world.

Ah, but there's this fire to contend with, to tend. I may not be a fighter but I am the fire woman. I will always burn fervently for those I love, for the things I believe in. I can't be the raging fire that destroys everything in her path though. I want to be the fire that nurtures, that nourishes, that brings light and warmth. I can be her. 

I am she who burns.