Whoa, it's late! Did you think I had given up on my commitment the second day in? LOL! I am finally here after a day of what my mother would call gallivanting.
I actually began a post this morning, trying to sift through the too many thoughts in my head. Too soon, it was time to leave for an appointment of sorts in the next city, about fifty minutes away from here. While there, I decided to take the time to visit the wonderful thrift store there and the used book store, of course. It was a logical decision but I have to tell you that I am struggling with giving time to anything other than my art making.
Here's the thing. I am the queen of distracting myself. Please tell me that I am not the only one who says with her words that she wants to do one thing and then just stays busy finding all the OTHER things to do. Knowing this, I have been trying to practice my devotion to my art making, putting it first on the list, prioritizing. Today, I could have gone to this appointment and then driven straight home to the studio. Why waste the trip to the next town though? It's OK to lean into what the day gives you.
As it is, I needed a bit of rambling to process and heal from the errand I had this morning. (That's a post for another day.) Today was plundering through clothes and knick knacks and books, finding treasures for myself, others, and for transforming into something new and wonderful.
This rambling? This is my curiosity in her element and she tells me, "I won't be rushed. I won't be crammed into the boxes of a schedule. I won't be dictated to" I know that when I allow curiosity to lead, I find wonder and ideas and words and projects enough to keep me busy for nine lifetimes. Yet still, I judge myself. I want to push harder, be more disciplined. My head is convinced that I am only legitimate if I am rigid with my time boundaries, if I am working the to do list like a boss.
Get it done. Produce something to prove your existence. Have something to show for your time and effort. That's the message that runs through my mind, on repeat, over and over.
Though I know that I can't function within a list of rules, even the ones I write for myself, I keep trying or feel like I need to keep trying. Though I know that when I soften, lean in, surrender to the flow of the day, I feel more accomplished, I keep lecturing myself to do better. It's a vicious cycle.
So this is me, at the end of this day, reminding myself that I know my just right pace. Life doesn't have to be pushed and rushed. It an unravel slowly before me.