just be heavy

But is heaviness truly deplorable and lightness splendid? The heaviest of burdens crushes us, we sink beneath it, it pins us to the ground. ... The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become. Conversely, the absolute absence of a burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar into heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant. What then shall we choose? Weight or lightness?
— milan kundera

Two weeks ago, on a Friday, I woke up slowly, reached over to grab my phone to check the time and saw a text message reminder from my massage therapist. I had an appointment in an hour and a half that I had completely forgotten about. Well, I hadn't completely forgotten about it. I thought it was the next week on a Wednesday. I bolted out of bed, ran to to the top of the stairs and yelled down for my husband not to leave because I would need the car. My forgetting had upended our schedule for the day. 

My massage appointment begins the same each time. She asks me how I am doing. Two weeks ago, on a Friday, I laughed knowingly and said, "I feel scattered to the wind. All the pieces of me are not back in place." Since our move from our home of almost twenty-two years, my uprooting, I had been feeling all out of sorts. I want deeply to be planted deep here, to be grounded. Digging roots takes time though. 

During each massage, my mind settles into a mantra. The week before we found our house ( or it found us as I sometimes believe), I repeated to myself, "Surrender to your good." I talked with my massage therapist after that particular appointment about how I fight even the good things that might come to me because I don't believe that I deserve them. That particular appointment was amazingly healing for me. Then we found our house. It's all magical really. 

Two weeks ago, on a Friday, after confessing my feeling scattered to the wind, my body was not responding to the promptings to relax, to let go. I began to say to it, "Just be heavy" My body needed to let go, release the fight to gain control. My healing mantra found me. 

Just be heavy.

Just be heavy.

Just be heavy. 

Those words echoed in my soul well into the rest of the day and later, I had some journaling and conversation with myself. I began to see that this idea of being heavy is an important key to showing up in the world. Being heavy means being large, taking up space, being all that I am in the world. It means showing up in a big presence that isn't diffused or sifted to cater to who can or cannot accept me. 

Being heavy goes hand in hand with my word, my theme and intention, of the year. I am not quite ready to write about that. However, all of this  ... the move, my intentions, the idea of being heavy in the world ... is leading me to my next. 

This morning, in just fifteen minutes, I leave to attend a workshop about starting a small business. It's time to get serious, get heavy, about this art making and offering wild and wonderful things in the world. This is single step today, my first step, my honoring of the reminder to just be heavy.