Only in the last moments of packing up our home of over twenty-one years did I begin to experience the rawness of being pulled up by the roots. I was so focused on my new, the next, turning the page that I hadn't focused on the leaving and what that meant. Yes, I talked about it. I used words to describe it because I know just how much deep roots mean to me but I didn't allow myself to feel it.
When I did feel it, I was surprised that it didn't linger, it was passing through quickly. Or so I thought.
I've been feeling scattered. Pieces of me are floating around in the atmosphere and occasionally I am able to grab on to one or two or three, putting myself back together. I've had no focus, no starting line, no idea of what next is.
I've said often that we settled in quickly, that the important things are all unpacked and we have begun the process of living here, of making this our home. I was fooling myself. The important thing for me is still in process. The studio is being worked on, slowly and diligently but still, it is not ready to be inhabited. And I have been feeling scattered.
I knew this but I didn't know this. As the physical feeling of fatigue and general unwellness settled over me the past week or so, I have struggled with keeping my head clear. I have felt grayness at the edges. I couldn't figure out why I was feeling so unsettled.
Then I was reminded that even when the mind moves ahead and even though the heart may be ready for the new, the body has to work through the change. This has allowed me to be a little more gentle with myself. It also reminded me to look at what I usually do to heal myself, to find direction.
Yesterday, I brought it a few art supplies and set up an art journaling table in the breakfast nook.
and I found all the journals that I have set aside to use this year . . .
and then I sat there, fretting, stuck, staring at the pages of all the journals, flipping through, trying to decide the perfect way to start. It all felt too important. I didn't want to mess up this new beginning.
Finally, somehow, reason broke through and I remembered that I know how to do this. For me, having TOO much of plan never works. I have to begin, just start. I did and I wrote this:
Sometimes - No - All the Time - you simple have to begin.
When you sit there paralyzed, not knowing what to do, where to start,
worrying that whatever direction you choose will be the wrong way
OR will not be good enough --- what that happens,
Remember that this is your life which means that this is your game.
You make the the Rules!
And if you make the rules, you will always win because you will be adapting and
learning on the way and THIS and YOU will always be good enough!
This is what I know. This is what I want you to know. You can choose to be paralyzed by trying to make the best start, trying to do make the best choice, trying to figure out all the details before taking the first step OR you can simply begin and remember that this is your life. This is your game. You make the rules therefore you always win.
We all know that some of your chosen paths may not lead to where you originally thought you would go. That's OK! Enjoy the experience. Learn something new. Meet interesting people. Adjust the route. Get back on track or not! There is no right or wrong. It's simply living your life.
Now that I have remembered what heals me and how to begin, I feel like I can breathe again. I feel like the seeds are being planted. I feel like my roots can begin to dig a little deeper here. I just had to start somewhere.
What about you? What blank page have you been staring at for too long? What first thing can you do? What rules are you writing for your game?