One quarter way through my 100 day challenge of showing up and writing, of awakening the withered voice, and I feel like I have uncovered barely a squeak. I am missing the flow. This doesn't come easy. It feels stilted and forced. This many days in and am I still priming the pump? Is rusty water still dribbling from the pipes?
How many days does it take to get to the center of myself, to unleash the expression of my soul? I foolishly thought I would be there by now. I thought that the flow of words would come back to me easily. I know better. I know this is a journey of spits and starts. Some bad days, some good days. This is the purpose of showing up each day with a rhythm of tapping, tapping, tapping on the keys.
But I thought I would be there by now.
Twenty-five days of writing mostly at night. I think I will try something different for the next twenty-five. The commitment is to be here each day writing. The goal is to experiment and find what works best. To find MY way of weaving words.
When I sat down tonight, I had a different thought in mind, something else that I wanted to write about. Sometimes, you have to get other stuff out of the way first before you can carry on with the intention. This is much like the underwriting in my paintings. Before I start pushing paint around on a canvas, I take a few moment to free write and find the purpose of the painting. I've done that here from time to time but I usually delete it all. In the same way that I don't show the underwriting in my paintings, I didn't want to show the pre-writing of my posts.
It feels important tonight to show the process. It is probably important to show the process often because process is important.
I sat down tonight to write about the creation of life. Not the creation of a being, the meld of DNA that creates a unique being. Maybe it is more accurate to say that I want to write about the creation of living, of how to live.
I write often about surrender, about going soft and riding the waves of life. It is a practice that I believe carries me through from one circumstance to another, those circumstances that are beyond my control. Surrender is good.
That does not mean that I have no control over my life. The way that i am living, the way that I am showing up to living my life, is completely in my control. It is my choice. What attitude do I choose? What do I wish to promote in myself and in others? What type of living do I want to create?
I posted this photo and text to Instagram yesterday.
Creative energy is just below the boiling point. Simmering. I am ready to pour all the words about what I am thinking, planning, dreaming, scheming. I have been inundated with ideas lately and I finally feel clear in my mind to start laying down the blueprint. Though, historically, this hasn't been my strong suit, I am believing deeply in metamorphic changes. Wherever you are, dream. Plan. Take action. Let's get this shit started!
I am deep in a Let's-Get-This-Shit-Started state of mind. It doesn't feel frantic but it feels full and ready. I am ready to bring all these ideas that have been nurtured within me to the land of the living.
One day a week or so ago, I made some choices about how to use my time. I told myself that I was living the life that I say I want. Talk is just talk. Wishing is just wishing, Dreaming is just dreaming. There comes a time that you have to actively create the life that you want. In fact, that moment comes now ... and a second from now ... and again ... and again.
Creating the life to live is not all about making a six month plan and five year goals. Creating the life to live is in the small choices that you make every day.
Choose how to be present. Show up with gratitude, with enthusiasm, with wonder. Choose how to spend the next five minutes, the rest of the day, and maybe the next week. I certainly wouldn't worry about going much further than that.
Personally, I can only think about three months ahead because I find it too easy to lose sight of the important in the midst of a grand plan. I sincerely believe that if I live the next three months true to my heart then I will have lived well. This short term vision is an alternative way of thinking. To be successful, we think of where we want to be ten years from now and then we create a plan to get there.
In ten years, I only want to be one place. True to myself. If I can live true to myself now, then I will still be there then.
So, I guess that is it for tonight. All the words are dwindling away. It is now enough to send blessings your way, wishing for you to know your truth and to live your truth.