This was the moment of surrender. I had been in pain for over six months. My hands were numb and tingling most of the day. At night, I couldn't sleep for the pain. On this particular day, I couldn't hold the paintbrush in my hand. I was determined to move some color around so I put on some gloves and painted with my hands.
At the end, I coated my gloved hand in white and made my mark, my mark of surrender. I was facing my greatest fear and it was time to do something about it.
Shortly after that I began acupuncture and massage therapy. That was six months ago. Today my pain is gone. The fear of losing my capability is gone. The numbness and tingling are gone. I am still receiving acupuncture and massage therapy to deal with other chronic issues. It feels like the page has turned. A new chapter has begun.
Yesterday, I told a friend, I fight and fight until I get to the end of myself and then I surrender. Today, during my massage therapy, I felt my body fighting. I wondered about why I am fighting, who am I fighting, what am I fighting against? Massage therapy is wonderful. Even when she touches tender spots, I know that healing is on the other side.
I began to speak to my body.
Dear body, why are you fighting? Why are you pushing against the good that is here? Surrender, dear body. Surrender to your good.
Right there, in that moment, I realized that I fight against my good. Self sabotage. I push against the good life that I have, that I could have, because . . . oh here is a vulnerable confession . . . because there is a part of me that doesn't feel that I deserve a good life.
As my body is healing, my soul is healing as well.
The words in my mind began to shift and I began to speak goodness to myself.
Dear Cynthia, surrender to your good. It's ok to have good in your life. Stop fighting against it. Let it come.
I am surrendering to my good. I am surrendering to my good.
I am surrendering to my best. I am surrendering to my best.
Deep shifts are happening. My next is so near that I can feel her breath on my skin. It's magical and thrilling and of course, fear is making an appearance. I fear not being ready. I fear not having enough of whatever I need. I fear dreaming and being disappointed.
I keep myself small because Big Sky Country is ... well ... big.
My good is not waiting. My good is here calling to me. I don't want to fight. I am tired of fighting. I am surrendering to my good.