create first for self

Love yourself first, and everything else falls in line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.
— lucille ball

For the past few posts, I have ended with say that I am going to paint. I have painted. A bit. I have stood in front of the easel and brushed on layers of paints and none of it felt right. I stood, reminding myself to trust the process and would apply more paint, scrape away some, put in water drips, wipe that away, more paint. Still it felt ... not like me. I finally gave up and scraped black matte paint all over it and left it. 

My husband told me to paint yesterday because he knew it was what I needed. I went to the easel and stood and looked. I put on my music that was pulling all the aches from my heart. I doubted. I questioned. I wondered. I began. 

I knew there was something on the other side and the only way to get there was through. I posted on instagram that maybe there was something sacred on the other side or maybe there was something great and terrible. No matter. I was not afraid. As I posted progress photos I added the hashtag, #greatandterrible . I really felt that I was coming face to face with something unknown that was great and terrible. 

As she came into being, I tried to make her great and terrible. I tried to paint her eyes as glaring and piercing. I tried to paint her mouth into a snarl. She would have none of it. She knows who she is. 

I feel like she has a slight smirk to her mouth and her eyes are slightly questioning. She is saying, "Ok. Are we done with all of your waiting around? Are we done with your doubts? Are we done with you telling yourself that you don't know? Are we ready?" Or something like that. 

I spent several hours painting with her yesterday. She came into being within the pages of my large mixed media journal. She is not a painting to sell. I won't even use those pages to recycle for other art.  These are the paintings that I make for myself. These are the paintings that teach me, guide me. These paintings are a gift to myself. 

Yesterday I wrote about expanding into Big Sky Country. I know that expansion is next. I feel the stretching already. I will be painting for others. I will be creating for others. I will be writing for others. First, I must do all of these things for myself. Without feeding myself, there is nothing or me to give. 

This is why I show up here each day, writing about whatever is stirring in my soul at the moment. It is why I entertain my explorations. It is why I throw the journal up on the easel before putting up a canvas. 

The SHE I painted yesterday is great and terrible because she is coming to me with a powerful message. She sees the hesitation. She sees the distraction. She sees me for who I am. She also sees that there is a calling within me that is deeper still. I haven't gone to that level yet. There is more for me to learn and express. She is telling me it is time. She is beckoning with a sure, "You've got this! Quit worrying!"