I am tired tonight. I didn't write this morning because it was a day of up and out. My son had a minor medical procedure and I had acupuncture and massage therapy. My pain has been creeping back in and this week it is showing up strong. My neck. My shoulders. My heart has been fluttering.
My acupuncturist asked if I am stressed. I said no. Well, no more than the next person. My massage therapist said that it appears my body has gone back into protective mode, hunching over, staying safe.
I am protecting this heart of mine for it guides me, it leads me in how to be in the world. My heart shows me how to love, how to feel beyond myself. I have to protect this heart of mine. What would I do without her?
Tonight, I am weary and I am worried. I have friends who are struggling with huge issues, life altering issues. What do I have to worry about? We have shelter, food, water. We have a steady income with benefits. My husband is my friend, my patron and cheerleader, a wonderful father. My children are breathtakingly good people.
I am feeling the weight of burdens beyond me. I am feeling the weight of a society in desperate need of change. I feel the anxiety of someone who is sick and can't pay the bills. I feel the fear of a woman whose life and choices are being controlled by a patriarchal culture.
These burdens are heavy and I am trying to determine what is mine to carry and what is not. The truth is that I cannot carry everything. It is frustrating and frightening to me to lay these burdens down because everything seems so important.
What if I neglect the one thing I can do to make a difference? What if I don't work hard enough to change what I can?
Where has my trust gone? What am I believing in? is there a goodness somewhere out there that I can cling to? I am growing weary of trying to conjure of goodness withing to cling to.
I know this. I can't go on like this. That admission makes me angry and sad. I feel like i can't give up. I have to hold hope and I have to believe in more and I have to DO something about all of this. Even though I know in my head that I cannot, I still feel that I must.
My heart is tender and I must care for her. I must protect her but I cannot continue to be so guarded that pain is the result. I don't know how to balance this. I don't know that balance even exists. I do know that something must change.
These are probably the most honest words I have written here to date. I refuse to judge myself and these feelings. I must allow them to be and to teach me.