I am deep in resistance this morning. I've piddled around, checked facebook multiple times, scrolled through my google photos looking for one to accompany a post that I haven't even written yet. (Which comes first, the photo or the words? Sometimes it is one and sometimes it is the other. ) I recognized the resistance early on but I sort of brushed it off as not that important because writing here is really not that important. ( OH GOOD GRIEF )
If the purpose of showing up here to write each day is to learn how to express myself, if it is to awaken my voice, then this is a form of creating self. The resistance is keeping me from that and that is a form of self sabotage.
In this becoming who we are in the world, we sometimes avoid work that we must do. We avoid because it is challenging, it is boring, it is scary. Whatever the reason, we choose to do something other than whatever the thing is that we need to do. Then we wonder why we aren't who we want to be, why we aren't living the life that we want to live.
This isn't just about being an artist. This is about living a life. This is about the seemingly small things and the big things.
I'm going to speak personally because I don't want to be preachy. I could write this from the perspective of giving advice but I don't have all the answers. All I have are personal revelations that are guiding me.
In asking the question, what are you willing to give up in order to have the life that you want or what are you willing to do to have the life that you want, it was easy for me to see clearly what steps are needed in order to grow as an artist. This being my primary vocation, I am focused on it much of the time and thankfully, I am quite aware of my patterns of resistance and areas that need growth.
In other areas of my life, which may very well affect me as an artist, I have more questions to ask.
What or who is taking your time?
What or who are you giving your energy to?
What are you giving your time and energy to without a return investment?
It's so easy to get distracted by causes or people and wrap your identity up in that thing or that person. When it is near to impossible to see yourself without a particular thing or person or situation, it might be time to evaluate your dependence. Holding on to something or someone with a death grip means ... death. I don't want death. I want life.
My self wants to live. Sometimes I feel that I am at war with her. I choose to obstruct her identity. I choose indulgence rather than vibrant living. I choose false definition over the risk of walking away and being successful and happy in my life. I choose to cover myself up with doubt rather than show up in all my glory.
I choose resistance rather than self. Sometimes.
I am making changes. I am owning my life. The unhealthy patterns have been visible for a long time. I have resisted doing anything differently. I untied some knots yesterday. I released with blessing. I released others and I released myself. It's time for all of us to be free.