oh the multitudes of me

Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.
— walt whitman

I am a very serious and complicated person. I don't do simple. In fact, if there is a more complicated way of doing anything or thinking about something, I will probably find it. It's a gift and a burden. 

These are the words I use to describe myself. Are they true? Is this how I appear to others? Is this a distorted perception of myself? When I think of myself in social situations, I see someone who tries to be bright and funny. Sometimes I think that I joke and laugh off things because I am fearful of being rejected if anyone ever took the journey below the surface. 

I have had people in my life who I thought were close enough, committed enough, but I watched their eyes glaze over as I followed the tunnels deeper and deeper into my soul. I have been told that I am too much.  It has been wished upon me to lighten up and not take things so seriously. I not only feel like people are scared of me, I have been told that is true. So I learned not to go there, to the deep places. Aint nobody got time for that. Do I even have time for that?

Am I really that serious and complicated? Or is that a persona that I like to wrap around myself? If that is part of myself, am I doing her justice to ignore her? Is it any better to expose her to a world that condemns her or misunderstands her?

Words have been showing up for me lately in my journals. Words that are pointing to a possible theme for 2016. Lighten up. Be playful. Make it magical. Wander in the Wonder. What happens if I lighten up? I have to admit that it scares me a little. I am scared of losing part of myself if I focus on being playful.  I am also scared if I take the attention away from the dark side of me, she will roar for attention. That cry is usually accompanied by the grey companion of depression. 

I realize that it doesn't have to be either or. I know that a focus on playfulness will be a balancing energy. I trust that the multitudes of me will learn how to exist together.