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Today is mother's day and words will never be adequate to capture how this day feels to me this year. 

 

 

On one hand, because we have never celebrated Mother's Day, this day does not hurt worse than every other day. People have checked in with me though. That feels nice.

 

 

On the other hand, I want to gather them all to me today. I want them here not to tell me how wonderful I am but so that I can tell them how incredible they are. They are my incredible humans.

 

 

I distract myself for hours raking and picking up sticks and digging up poison ivy.  and dreaming about this wild, fun and funky, magical and whimsical yard we are creating. 

 

late, late breakfast of granola, fruit, and yogurt. This is the simplicity that I return to. 

 

 

I cry through the beginning and the ending of Guardians of the  Galaxy volume two. I think this is my favorite of the Marvel movies because the story line beautifully shows the sacrifice of true friendship and chosen family. 

 

 

and I miss Noah. I still reach for specific memories but my brain refuses to cooperate. My heart remembers though exactly what this house feels like when he is here. 

 

 

Past tense feels too far away. 

 

 

I end the night holding hands with my love, watching The Handmaid's Tale then sitting on the porch listening to traffic and tree frogs and sirens in the distance.