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waking up before my alarm goes off feels like such a gift of extra time

 

 

coffee and chatting with a son before heading out to appointments. This too feels like a gift of extra time.

 

 

long conversation with my acupuncturist and she tells me that she trusts me to know when I need outside extra help. and with that, I settle back into my knowing. 

 

 

Too much face to face time with people though today leaves me feeling depleted and exhausted. and I am reminding myself that feeling depleted and exhausted is grief too. Everything is grief. 

 

 

Listening to On Being today and am pondering this idea that the cosmos is not out there but within us and I ponder what this means held in harmony with what I believe and don't believe about god and soul and energy and where is Noah now that he is not here ... but he is here. 

 

 

and podcasts are sort of saving my life right now with stories of grief and survival  and their beautiful mystical language and reality of loss. 

 

 

finally I start actually creating the portals and the concentration is an escape

 

 

I had to admit to not being to meet a deadline this week. I almost pushed and rushed and made something happen to simply send something off today but I'd rather it be infused with love and intention and late. Still, it feels so vulnerable to admit just how off course I've been this month. 

 

 

Sometimes I feel like I pushed my life ahead of me, commanding it to go on, and I am running to catch up to it. All in the name of trying to be OK, of carrying on, of moving through. I'd really like that pause button right now.