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today, I ponder giving up these words. I've given up a lot this week and there may be more to come. I need space to breathe. 

 

 

because I'm not breathing again and I can't hear the reminders through my sobbing

 

 

It was supposed to be an easier day, more focused, but it's not. 

 

 

in between writing words, I sob and in between sobbing, I am agitated and angry

 

 

i retreat to the hammock, to read, to think, to listen to the birds and the outdoor sounds, to nap. I want the magical shift. It doesn't happen. 

 

 

this afternoons anxiety and anger is taken out on the leaves. I don't know what to do with all these leaves. and I don't know what to do with this yard. 

 

 

and the logs tumble out of the stand and I tumble onto the ground. I am supposed to be invincible. and I've never felt invincible. 

 

 

I've always felt wounded and needy and incompetent. I wear layers of masks to get through the day, through my life. 

 

 

where are the bandaids that are supposed to make everything feel better? I need those.