Vestiges of the pain of yesterday planted seeds that bloomed today
It began with not being able to find something. No actually it began with the stress I felt last night about a new thing on the to do list today. See? ... Last night bleeding over into today.
I feel like there are secrets that everyone else knows about how to be in the world and that I don't know the secrets. And because I don't know the secrets I couldnt teach them the secrets. I feel like I've failed them. Always.
I've been breaking all week and today it all began to pour over the edges.
I said words... I made confessions... That I've never said before. That I've never made before. Some of my deepest fears revealed.
And the vulnerability continued with that something new. And miscommunication that poked and prodded into my tender places.
please tell me that vulnerability won't kill you because right now I am feeling destroyed.
For the first time, I went to bed and stayed all day. I do not feel fit to be with people.
And that, quite honestly ...( And more vulnerability showing ) ... Is the tenderest of places, of fears. I am not fit.