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waking up and waking up some more

 

coming to terms ( again ) with the slowness of me; understanding more and more each day the paradox of how much matters and how little matters

 

I skipped the coffee this morning; didn't eat breakfast. headed out for an appointment with a new doctor. Meditation music in my ears. Deep breathing. Trying to calm my nerves. Why is this such a frightening ordeal

 

I cry in the office while waiting because it all feels so vulnerable. Even writing about it now, my heart races and jumps with anxiety. These are not monsters. They really do try to care for people. Again. Why am I so scared? 

 

I am not searching for answers. I have come to terms with the randomness of what happened to me on July 20th, 2017 ... and what happened four weeks later. Sometimes there are no answers. 

 

But the doctor gives me loads of answers and piles of information and what felt like an infinity of words to try to comprehend. I settled for a moment but became lost in the torrent of what he wanted me to understand. In the end, there are still no definite answers only best guesses and I am not sure that any of these make much of a difference going forward. 

 

I've already made all the changes. 

 

yoga feels especially tender tonight. She grounds me with sandbags on  my hips and I begin to cry again. She whispers, "Everything's going to be OK" 

 

Those words echo what I feel Noah whispering to me too. I need to believe those words. I want to believe those words. Maybe if I can believe, I won't be so scared.