Early morning walk to Voodoo Doughnut today. And I ordered it. For Noah... Because he would have loved it so much.
And I cried a little in the doughnut shop. I messaged a friend later about it and she said, "I love you for giving zero fucks about crying over a doughnut dick"... And I laughed.
I miss my boy so much. He wasn't a boy though... Except ever always a lost boy. He was the most wonderful young man, barely stepping into adulthood, his whole life ahead of him.
And now I'm crying in the coffee shop/bookstore of this Episcopalian church and wondering if they have a chapel.
Yes to the chapel where I sit for long minutes and sob. I haven't cried like this in a long time. The space brings comfort... Not from the place or from the cross but from what I am able to find inside of me.
Sometimes I wish I still believed. I want to believe in all they promised it would be.
As I leave, I look over and see the gate leading to the labyrinth. I think all of this has been here waiting for me. I walk to the center, talking with Noah the entire time. I know what is weighing me down. It's the regrets.
I left my regrets in the center of this labyrinth. At st David's episcopal church. In Austin, TX. For all intents and purposes, they are irretrievable... Though I could always fly out here to get them if I needed them. That's the point though. I don't need to have these regrets weighing me down.