| 00095 |

I begin the day on edge.


I wonder how long grief can be the reason before it becomes the excuse.


Honestly, I am quite tired of the I can't sentences that dominate my thoughts. I am ready for some "Can Do" attitude.


what if I believe that I am not bound by all the obstacles I think I am bound by? In other words, what if I believe that I am free? What would change?


Who am I trying to prove myself to? Myself.


I want these words, these nightly lists, to be more.


Maybe I can weave them more poetically. Or maybe they are already so.


Your life is a poem she says. I consider how true this is. Tragedy. Romance. Comedy. Survival. Mundane in the beautiful light. and also beauty in the mundane light.


I am so over so many things.

| 00094 |

front porch conversation delayed by loud lawn equipment. I am not a fan

 

taking work on the road. sometimes I feel like I am truly devoted to this work. 

 

and sometimes I have no idea what the work is. 

 

practicing power poses today. have written three articles and completed three portals. 

 

I think dancing to Uptown Funk has the same affect as the power poses.

 

Massage today. I spent the entire hour saying hello there to my body. Sometimes she needs to be seen.

 

tender heart feelings as my palms are opened and massaged. I think I'm tired of clenching my fists.

 

Why are the things we need the most so difficult to reach for? This is why I am an island

 

rose cardamon latte soothes all the hard edges today. 

| 00093 |

Today's theme is light but I start in the darkness. And the silence. Windows closed. Curtains closed. Let me sleep this morning.


Because I'd rather be up late and listening to them talk than going to sleep.


And I'd rather be creating portals. And dreaming and scheming. And making lists.


Because someone reminded me that creative ideas are enough unto themselves.


Sometimes I wonder if the pull of the moon and the sun and the stars and the planets mean anything to the weight of grief


Or is it all right there in conjunction and complimentation


Vulnerable frustration wraps around me for the second day in a row


I need a personal assistant to remind me to drink water


All the things I'd rather do give way to yawns.

| 00088 |

This list today should just say rocks, rocks, rocks, rocks, rocks, rocks, rocks, rocks, rocks.


Except there was other things.


Like painting journal pages anytime I needed a break.


And writing words about what I'm reading in women who run with the  wolves.


I feel empowered by my intuition.


Rocks and playing in the dirt... I feel so grounded.


My all or nothing shows up in times likes these. I don't know when to stop.


Bourbon and burnt honey creme brulee with local honeysuckle. Be jealous.


Calling it a night with frasier.

| 00087 |

I have many carts before my horse ... yes, just one horse. and many carts. All out of order. 

 

I don't allow myself to be in a fertile void ( thank you Kate Northrup for some understanding around the upward cycle action plan ) 

 

I think I have many judgments wrapped around my more inactive modes. Feel like I always have to be reaching forward, moving, and discontent. 

 

I am afraid of being labeled lazy. 

 

rain again today and the day feels less productive ... from a doing standpoint. 

 

From a being perspective, I am have been quite busy pushing my feet deep into the ground and pressing my ear against my soul and listening hard.

 

I want easy answers but nothing about any of this is easy.

 

I need course correction and my guiding question has to be what is serving my deep healing. 

 

I don't like disappointing people. 

| 00086 |

My instagram live videos have become the adventures of  Cynthia, the cat, and a chipmunk. I do so love this way of connecting. 

 

 

rain ... rain ... and more rain. 

 

 

and grateful for a screened in back porch where I an still work and be outside. 

 

 

Sort of wishing that we had some sort of bed or comfy couch or hammock or something on the porch. Napping out here right now sounds divine. 

 

 

Re-Discovering the words and intentions I wrote five years ago. It feels good to know that there is a sure knowing that has not changed. 

 

 

Because so much has changed.

 

 

It surprises me how very dark it can be here in the almost city

 

 

Feeling the need for structure to hold me up but I've always hated structure

 

 

But I think I hate this constant falling over and behind even more

| 00085 |

the middle of the night is extremely quiet. I cannot sleep so I get up and spend the rest of the night downstairs on the couch. 

 

 

This makes for a jangled start to the morning. Coffee but no breakfast, rushed words, and out the door.

 

 

I was hot and hangry. But we did choose a few plants.

 

 

I have been saying that i am rewriting my brown thumb story. Actually, i am returning to the seven year old me who brought a pine tree home form Virginia and stuck it in the ground in my South Carolina backyard. It won't grow, they told me. But grow it did. For the next forty-five years and was still going strong when that property left our ownership. 

 

 

Many marriages end up in divorce after the death of a child. I can understand that. This is so challenging. Our communication is off most of the time. We walk just out of sync and then run into each other trying to catch up. 

 

 

I do not doubt that we will make it.  Just acknowledging that it is hard. 

 

 

Still there are so many good and wonderful moments with this man. and I cannot deny how hard he tries. 

 

 

I am body and heart sore today. So much so that I cannot rest. 

 

 

So I keep the body moving ... the mind moving ... waiting for exhaustion to take me to bed. 

| 00084 |

Today is mother's day and words will never be adequate to capture how this day feels to me this year. 

 

 

On one hand, because we have never celebrated Mother's Day, this day does not hurt worse than every other day. People have checked in with me though. That feels nice.

 

 

On the other hand, I want to gather them all to me today. I want them here not to tell me how wonderful I am but so that I can tell them how incredible they are. They are my incredible humans.

 

 

I distract myself for hours raking and picking up sticks and digging up poison ivy.  and dreaming about this wild, fun and funky, magical and whimsical yard we are creating. 

 

late, late breakfast of granola, fruit, and yogurt. This is the simplicity that I return to. 

 

 

I cry through the beginning and the ending of Guardians of the  Galaxy volume two. I think this is my favorite of the Marvel movies because the story line beautifully shows the sacrifice of true friendship and chosen family. 

 

 

and I miss Noah. I still reach for specific memories but my brain refuses to cooperate. My heart remembers though exactly what this house feels like when he is here. 

 

 

Past tense feels too far away. 

 

 

I end the night holding hands with my love, watching The Handmaid's Tale then sitting on the porch listening to traffic and tree frogs and sirens in the distance. 

| 00083 |

up the earliest this morning, the sun has barely started peeking above the horizons.



And the birds are already awake and singing.



Who do I say that I am?



This question weighs on me today in the same way it has for many years.



Did I ask that question when I was twelve ... or fifteen . . . or nineteen? I don't think I did because I did not understand the importance of knowing myself and possessing myself.



Thoughts are replaced by physical work. I cannot do both simultaneously. I dig up and move over twenty hosta plants.



We select and pick up the field stone for stepping stones up the pathway. I adore them and am so looking forward to planting something small and wonderful around them.



power struggles at play and mostly I am just too tired to engage.



A walk around the neighborhood makes me love my own little yard even more. It's soft and wild just like me.

| 00082 |

nothing like the cat bringing chipnunks to play with while you are recording a live video. It is nothing if not real. 

 

 

I'm feel floaty today. She tells me that many people are. What is going on with the planets and the stars right now?

 

 

I am feeling quite scattered brain lately ... which means I assume that we are all feeling scattered brained ... and I just want to know what the plan is. 

 

 

The luna moth emerged last night. Fleeting beauty, short life, destined only to create. 

 

 

I am learning to accept the cycles of life and to hold on loosely. 

 

 

Digging up the things that I don't want growing in the yard today . . . and that would mean I am digging up the grass. I'm so backward. I'll take a yard of clover please. 

 

 

doing little bits at a time. I'm the tortoise. 

 

 

sitting on the back porch, fan spinning over head, mid afternoon rain shower. The world smells alive. 

 

 

And now Thor ragnorak. 

 

 

| 00081 |

sometimes the coffee tastes like wet dog. Why do I keep drinking it? 

 

 

a walk through my backyard feels like a walk through the deep words, wild and free.

 

 

Why it is OK for the outside to be wild and free but not the inside?

 

 

I am deep in distraction mode this morning. 

 

 

and I am holding on to reaching forward but honestly, it's a bit exhausting

 

 

I'm not sure about these expectations I have put upon myself. I don't have a job... I am my job... So I feel that I must have expectations but it's so difficult to weight and measure them. 

 

 

Whisky something or other drink at dinner. Oh yeah... I don't really like whisky. 

 

 

Waitress. I've seen the movie. I don't remember how it ends. But here at the intermission I'm thinking about just how inappropriate it is for a doctor to have a relationship with his patient... And they are up there singing about it. 

 

 

Maybe I just feel sensitive about everything. 

 

| 00080 |

early morning coffee, noticing my home, grateful for the love it holds.

 

 

If I could tell anyone anything it would be that I still have love and still am grateful but it is masked in agitation right now. fucking grief.

 

 

nothing like crying openly at IHOP, making the waitress back away from the table.

 

 

I am refusing to feel behind ... but I still sort of feel behind. 

 

 

Behind what, I don't know. It's not like I have to be anywhere or do anything by any certain time.

 

 

Sometimes too much freedom feels confining. 

 

 

I really am feeling all out of sorts today. Every line I begin feels tinged with frustration and regret. 

 

 

and I want to lash out in anger as a wake up call but that accomplishes nothing. 

 

 

I'm feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place. Where do I go from here? 

 

 

| 00079 |

nine hours of sleep. that was a level of exhaustion that i haven't felt in a while.



waking up in the middle of the night though to thunderstorms and distant sirens. Confusing. Took me back to my childhood fear of sirens.



As soon as he got up to close the windows, I felt safe again. and back to sleep.



I'm dancing publicly. As in not just kitchen dancing. As in at concerts ... and on video ... and putting this out there because I'm am so weary of  whoever they are that send the message that my body doesn't deserve to move and be seen.



bearing witness to each other is how we walk each other home



Feeling so much sadness for what we all have lost. complete loss and complicated loss. and so much sorrow for the loss that most people cannot see. How I wish that I could make it all better.




dinner preparation aromas linger on my hands when I return to the computer. creamy garlic and italian chicken something or other.



I'm not sure whether gripping your hands into fists of anger during restorative yoga is a good thing or a bad thing.



I make myself laugh at how I just want all of this to go away. I know better.

| 00078 |

What a surprise to wake up barely feeling the effects of two solid hours of dancing.



Mountains and trees and conversations about important things and unimportant things on the way home.



Why is Hampton Inn promoting bacon and hashtags?



Sometimes salty snacks are the only way to feel better.



Home to doggie hugs.



Borrowed dog visits are the best.



Crows fussing at the cat.



Bantering words about basketball.



Short and sweet tonight because I am desperately tired. I'll show up again tomorrow.

| 00077 |

waking up in strange places.



still grateful for this coffee. and for peanut butter and jelly toast. It's simple nourishment.



struggling so much with memory. wishing I could go back and write down more, have a way to plunder through and harvest the memories.



I say pretty words about living in the moment but I don't always live those words.



Double naps.



Um... Jeni's ice scream... Yum!



BECK! ... Like wow!



Dancing. Dancing. Dancing.



My ankle is going to hurt tomorrow but it is so worth it.

| 00076 |

elevator chatter. makes me think about how I am supposed to have an elevator pitch ... tell someone what I do in the time it would take for an elevator ride ... 

 

 

grateful that the hotel coffee is decent. 

 

 

sitting among indoor tree branches, drinking tea, with a kindred heart. 

 

 

these are drops that ripple back to me with reminders that I am not alone. 

 

 

I think I believe that these are heart connections formed before time as we know it. 

 

 

when my energy drains, it drains fast. 

 

 

and for all I think I'll do in my quiet moments, I get distracted by nothing that will necessarily move me forward

 

 

the evening hours are tinged with music and wrangling words

| 00075 |


Sleep did not come easy. Too many feels and anxiety and noises and distractions.



Mayan latte and a long hug and we are on our way.




We used to take long drives for trips and talk the entire time. Everything is harder now that Grief is a third wheel.



Driving west, gaining time... It's always seemes magical to me.



Putting my feet on the ground and chatting with a tree help me find my center again. I am very much less anxious now.



Completely comfortable dinner.



Ending the day watching Frasier. He says that we have so much in common. That's a good thing.



We've seen so many commercials for aarp and for car seats. The target audience is a bit confused.



Dueling yawns tonight.

| 00074 |

it is windy today. Doesn't it seem to be windier than it used to be? A new world is coming? 

 

 

Squeezing in moments of writing into this morning before. 

 

 

I hate small talk. 

 

 

the house is clean and there are few moments of simply complete quiet and stillness. I'm gathering energy. 

 

 

We gather and have a loud, rambunctious, dinner. This is who we are. 

 

 

Many moments today where I want to hide away, where I want to gather up my tender and raw feelings and retreat to tend to my healing by myself. 

 

Honestly, my feelings get hurt so easily lately. I do not understand the angst. 

 

 

these are the times when I simply wish I were different than who i am. My too muchiness is too much even for me. 

 

 

Awake late, feeling anxious, maybe some excitement, maybe too much sugar. 

| 00073 |

woke before light filled the room to the birds singing. I love windows opened weather.



and coffee on the front steps and checking in with instagram. What fills your cup?



Being very aware of how social media is designed to steal our attention. What will you give your attention to today? and I may have just found my guiding question.



The trees have filled out. The sky is full of their green leaves and their branches are full of singing birds. This day is glorious. How many days in a row can I say that? I hope many.



I am uncomfortable ... I sit here and ponder what movement this will require of me. It's all about the energy.



More shifts on the way. Adjustments. Aligning.



Yoga tonight for the first time in a few weeks. Speaking of alignment.



Trying on automation. Not sure if it is enough or better but somethings gotta give.

 

 

Watching the handmaid tale and thinking about how it seems impossible but not so far either. The underlying freedoms are already being challenged. So what now?

| 00072 |

I

Owning myself.



There is a difference between being with others and looking for the other to validate you.



I woke up with the morning light. This day feels glorious.



Just as I don't need the phone at my side at night, i am realizing that I don't need it as a constant companion during the day.



the second cup of coffee this morning is even better than the first.



Words that are echoing in my heart today, "we are all just walking each other home" by Ram Dass which invokes the imagery of walking together, hand in hand, kindness. But sometimes it feels like people are walking, prod in hand, looking for any inkling of imperfect being, with the intention of scorching you into right step.



Oh mourning dove. You sing a sad song that fills me with sweet nostalgia. You are the sound of my growing up in the southern summers.



For someone who processes so slowly, I am still a pretty fast thinker. And sometimes I simply want someone to keep up.



Sitting on the front steps at twilight, contemplating the coming night, listening to distant traffic, and nearby crickets.