joy - grief notes | blogging from a to z challenge

During the month of April, I am taking on the Blogging from A to Z challenge, writing twenty-six alphabet themed grief notes.

On August 17, 2017 my twenty year old son was killed in a car wreck. I am trying to be OK . . . we are all trying to be OK ... in a world where nothing is OK. I am reaching for what I know heals me ... creativity ... art ... writing. Stringing together words, thoughts, and questions. 

I have a love hate relationship with joy. 

I want to feel it 

but I despise it when it comes


I don't want to ever feel joy again

because it feels like betrayal

and unnatural

but I yearn for my heart to bubble forth with it


Noah whispers, "find the joy, mamasita. find the joy" 

so i reach


In the past eight months, I have only had one moment of pure unadulterated joy

when a friend told me that he and his new bride were expecting a bab


and it felt amazing to have that much hope 

for the future

for love


In the month after Noah died, I said that I want hope to return. 

Now I wish for joy, please

raw, naked, joy

without the cloud

and the covering

of grief