impossible - grief notes | blogging from a to z challenge

During the month of April, I am taking on the Blogging from A to Z challenge, writing twenty-six alphabet themed grief notes.

On August 17, 2017 my twenty year old son was killed in a car wreck. I am trying to be OK . . . we are all trying to be OK ... in a world where nothing is OK. I am reaching for what I know heals me ... creativity ... art ... writing. Stringing together words, thoughts, and questions. 


 

I just can't imagine . . . 

 

those words have been spoken to me many times 

over the past eight months

and I reply

no, you can't

and I don't want you to. 

this pain is so huge that I wouldn't want anyone to even try to imagine what it is like. 

It will destroy you.

 

Except it doesn't destroy you. 

Somehow, you go on living

proving the impossible

 

Because it seems impossible to ever go on without the person that you love

you cannot imagine every being able to 

and nothing you can do or imagine

will ever prepare you for it

it literally seems impossible

 

until your baby dies in your arms

until your husband commits suicide

until your twenty year old son dies on the side of the road

 

and you wake up the next morning. 

and the next ... and the next. 

 

the world keeps spinning

and how is that possible

didn't it get knocked off its axis 

in the same way that I did

 

aren't we all careening toward our own destruction 

because nothing, no one could survive this

 

but we do survive

we do go on living

we wake up each day

and we breathe --- inhale, exhale

 

we see color and we hear birds sing

we find joy or joy finds us

we make plans

we laugh

we cry

 

we watch movies

and eat our favorite foods

and write words

and make art

and read the tarot

 

and find hope

somehow

 

we prove the impossible