During the month of April, I am taking on the Blogging from A to Z challenge, writing twenty-six alphabet themed grief notes.
On August 17, 2017 my twenty year old son was killed in a car wreck. I am trying to be OK . . . we are all trying to be OK ... in a world where nothing is OK. I am reaching for what I know heals me ... creativity ... art ... writing. Stringing together words, thoughts, and questions.
I just can't imagine . . .
those words have been spoken to me many times
over the past eight months
and I reply
no, you can't
and I don't want you to.
this pain is so huge that I wouldn't want anyone to even try to imagine what it is like.
It will destroy you.
Except it doesn't destroy you.
Somehow, you go on living
proving the impossible
Because it seems impossible to ever go on without the person that you love
you cannot imagine every being able to
and nothing you can do or imagine
will ever prepare you for it
it literally seems impossible
until your baby dies in your arms
until your husband commits suicide
until your twenty year old son dies on the side of the road
and you wake up the next morning.
and the next ... and the next.
the world keeps spinning
and how is that possible
didn't it get knocked off its axis
in the same way that I did
aren't we all careening toward our own destruction
because nothing, no one could survive this
but we do survive
we do go on living
we wake up each day
and we breathe --- inhale, exhale
we see color and we hear birds sing
we find joy or joy finds us
we make plans
we watch movies
and eat our favorite foods
and write words
and make art
and read the tarot
and find hope
we prove the impossible