how to play the game

I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. 


Don't we all? 


In April of last year, I deleted my account. Just five months after the election, just three months after the inauguration, I couldn't take it anymore. My nervous system was on high alert. The pounding heart of anxiety beat my rhythm every day. I was leaking energy. I had given over my power to a vacillating news feed. Leaving Facebook was my way of taking back my power, of owning my life again, of choosing to spend my time and energy wisely. 


Then in a serendipitous moment, I rejoined Facebook with the sole purpose of joining one group for a class. I had been invited to be a part of a workshop as a gift to facilitate my healing after my stroke. Being a part of the group was not necessary but I felt like my experience and my feedback about the program would be more complete if I participated fully. It was August of 2017, just five days before my son would die. 


In the days and weeks after his death, I would realize that I was not called back to Facebook to be part of a group for a workshop. I was called back for the community, the support, the love that I would need to carry me through. Being able to connect to his friends, to those who love him,  has been so important to me. You may call me crazy but I believe that I listened to some sort of inner knowing that was tuned into what was to come. You may call me crazy but I think there is a deep connection to the fact that I had a stroke on Noah's birthday, four weeks before he died. You may call me crazy. 


But I have this love hate relationship with Facebook. I resent it's presence while also relying on it. I know this. If I had not been able to write openly about Noah and share my words on Facebook, I would have felt so alone and isolated. We are all so reliant on social media to keep us in touch. I truly don't think those who love us deeply and certainlyu those who may love us a bit less would have checked in. As it is now, I am still stunned by how few people have gone beyond comments on Facebook comments. It's the nature of this beast of social media ... the one that I hate but I love. 


The question is: Do I do any better? 

The honest answer is: No.


I'm trying to shift it. It's difficult to know how. This blogging here is part of that. Beyond this, I am refining my online experience. That sounds incredibly snooty but if I want a different experience, then I need to be part of making the changes to create the deeper and more meaningful connections I want. Facebook, and social media, in and of itself is not a horrible thing. It's all in how we choose to play the game.