staying true to yourself

I began writing my Consider This lists as a means of being aware, of noticing, of paying attention. In these ten days, I have learned that it is a challenge for me to notice the world around me. I live in the world in my mind. Quite content, I am. 

"I always reach for discontent," I told her a few weeks ago. It is my way of growth. I know that it would be easy for me to settle into my space, to drown out all of the outside noise with the quiet sounds of my snipping and clipping, my gluing and pasting, my creating journal pages, to keep myself safe inside this bubble made up of my thoughts and questions. I can get lost in the brush strokes of paint, in the next line my pen can make, in the formation of words and sentences. I feel safe here in these proverbial four walls that I take with me wherever I go. I am in here and everything else is out there. 

I could be content. It would be easy. I am safe here. 

My inner world ever expanding but my outer world growing smaller ... smaller ... smaller. 

That is not living. Life is out there. and I can choose to join it or watch it from the windows, palm pressed to the glass, wondering. 

So I reach for discontent. I welcome the unease. I might even allow for a little dangerous. 

These are the secrets. I am not sure that many who know me know and understand how easy it would be for me to disappear, how difficult it is for me to show up to the world, to step outward. Someone asked, "What qualities do others often see in you that you don't readily see in yourself?" and I answered, "confidence"

I remember being in conversation with the women who gather at my home a couple of times a month and we were discussing ... hmmmm ... I don't really remember what or who we were talking about but I said, "I wish I had that much confidence." and my daughter turned to me and said, "you totally have that much confidence!"

really? I don't feel it. 

Maybe this is a fake it til you make it attribute but I didn't even know I was faking it. 

Speaking of confidence, I am not confident at all in the direction of this blogging commitment. I wonder if I distracted myself with the Consider This list because making a disjointed list is easier than trying to string together some coherent sentences. Let's be honest though. I am writing crappy blog posts ... because it needs to be OK to write crappy blog posts and I'll make an example out of myself. 

This past weekend, I figured out a long standing issue with writing by hand. I have tried and tried again to write morning pages ( ala Julie Cameron and The Artist's Way ... though I burned that book because sometimes you have to shed the chains ) but my hands would always go numb about halfway through the first page. I figured out that if I print ... no cursive, sorry teachers ... I can write my three pages. I began to reason with myself that if I am writing my  morning pages that counts for my five hundred word a day commitment and I could probably just not write blog posts and just write my randomly connected lists on Consider This

Yeah. That's the back bending twists of trying to weasel out of the promises to myself. 

This staying true to yourself is not for the fainthearted.