Blogging from Austin

Challenging myself to blog in the road.  I didn't yesterday but I am as comfortable tapping out words on my phone as I am typing on a keyboard. Maybe more so. Isn't it interesting to note all the ways this generation communicate and how we want to keep pulling them back to the old ways.

Don't get me wrong. I love some old fashioned letter writing. I've just reconnected with someone I  exchanged letters with a few years ago. It's not the way for "kids these days" though. Technology is pushing them toward finding ways to connect and communicate in ways that is so fast and immediate. I've cast my share of judgment around this but  I'm trying to lean into trust. Maybe the way that vinyl albums are coexisting with  digital files and streaming music shows us that things have a way of finding balance among what was and what is and what will come.  (except CDs... Is anyone still listening to CDs?)

We arrived in Austin yesterday and I'd like to say that I get all the gold star for flying  very well. I wasn't nervous. I didn't cry. I did it. After spending all week swinging between complete distraction and worry, I proved that I can do it. It makes the rest of the world so much closer now.

Everytime we make a trip like this, I learn something about myself. Yesterday I learned that I really really don't like not having a plan. As much as I want to be free spirited and go with the flow and let's see where this road goes and all about the exportation and discovery, I really do like the boundaries of a plan. Looking back over thirty plus years of being together with my love, I can tell you that out giffed conflicts have come when I feel like there's no map to follow.

I don't even think this is something new I've learned about myself. I know this is who I am. Now I am  learning how to accept it and to communicate with my partner about what I need. I'm learning not to judge myself or try to change myself. This calls for finding creative ways of meeting my need to a plan and my want of exploration.

I really do wish I were the other person... She who is more adventurous, who doesn't need the security of knowing what comes next. But I'm not. What good does it do for me to be stressed about who I am not?

Within the boundaries, I can be quite free. Why not celebrate that?

 Neither way is a wrong way of being . 

So here we are in Austin, making plans as we go. I'm OK with that. I don't have to have a minute by minute itenerary; a general idea of how we are moving though the day works just fine.

Hmmmmm. Now I am seeing why I've really needed to reach for more structure with my time.  Without having that general idea of what is next, I havent felt safe. When I don't feel safe, I withdraw.

Cheers to me for flying well, go accepting that some amount of structure and limitations work well for me, and for the blocks and grids that I'm placing over my time.