keeping promises

keeping promises to myself

keeping promises to myself
i will write my words

keeping promises to myself
showing up for myself
witnessing myself

keeping promises to myself
proving that I can
for myself
and no one else

keeping promises to myself
when the words are stale and stagnant and stuck
when the questions are screaming at me
to back off because they are sort of sick and tired
of there being no answers

keeping promises to myself
though I feel like I let all of us down
when I got lost in trying to find myself
when the grey companion visits lingered
and she wrapped her hands around my wrists
pulling behind the closed doors

keeping promises to myself
putting my butt in a the seat
hands on the keyboard
reaching for one word after the other
until they add up to five hundred
because that seems to be the magic number
for now

keeping promises to myself
becomes how I chase the rabbits
across a field riddled with holes
now it's my turn to mutter under my breath
"damn bunnies. you damn bunnies."
Do I really want to catch them
or is it all about the chase
Is this the meaning of life

keeping promises to myself
and wondering if it will ever be enough
because I realize that I am moving too
from this idea to the next to the next
I collect them and hold them
hoping that if I just stay busy
I won't have to think and
if  don't think then maybe I won't cry

keeping promises to myself
in between sips of tea
that is made to make me sleepy
because I've been chasing sleep too
Maybe I should try counting rabbits
instead of chasing them
no matter, either way
they are too fast for me
I am slow
we've already established that

keeping promises to myself
means that I sit and reach forward
and the fingers are moving
tap tap tap    tap tap tap   tap tap tap
yesterday or the day before
or many years ago
I would have had pen in hand
tingling and growing numb
my ten digits cannot hold on
so I reach instead for the keys
what am I trying to unlock

keeping promises to myself
because maybe the keys are made of words
as much as the words are made
of key strokes
I am collecting keys
boxes full of possibility and hope
because who knows
where we can go
and how we can get there
and what we will find when we do
let me say it again
my words are my keys

keeping promises to myself
means I write the good words
and I write the bad words
I write all the words
and I write all the words again
as long as it takes
for me too
finish this sentence
and begin another one
rinse and repeat
that's how I keep moving
there is no forward or through
just moving