I am a beginner. I like the feeling of starting something. I like finding the perfect starting point.
Mondays mean a lot. The first of the month. January.
All starting points.
You see what is happening here, don't you. Yesterday I wrote about my resistance to the boxes and grids, about how much I would like to not live in a world dictated by the calendar. Today, I am here admitting that I like how it feels to turn the page to the new day, to begin on there. I am full of contradictions.
Here's another contradiction.
I usually start in the middle. Ideas float into my mind and I grab them before they can disappear, running with them like an Olympic T0rch bearer. It doesn't matter where I pick it up, it matters where I carry it, where I end up.
But I'm not a finisher.
I want to be. I wish that I were but unfinished projects scatter throughout my life. This is who I am.
I am she who is a beginner, a starter, who is full of contradictions, who starts in the middle and runs to catch up, who finds it difficult and sometimes impossible to finish.
I am she who knows deeply, intuitively, what is the next step. I am she who is not afraid of quitting because saying no to what is not true for her is the only way to open up the possibilities of yes.
But I get tripped up sometimes.
I get lost in the way that I should be, in the way that things are done, in the ways that I need to change or do better.
Though I talk a big talk about being true to self, about showing up to the world just as you are, about making your own rules and creating your own game, I doubt myself.
What do you do with doubt?
with the questions?
with the uncertainty?
Invite them to come along but put them in their place.
Elizabeth Gilbert talks about it in Big Magic. She labels it as fear and writes that the fear has an important role in our lives but doesn't get to drive the car. It belongs in the backseat. Maybe my fear is the doubt and the questions.
I don't fear the doubt and questions. I wouldn't be where I am today without them. I do need to be aware when they've grabbed hold of the wheel though. They don't get to drive.
Yesterday, an idea rose to the surface for me, again. It's something that I've wanted to do for a long time but I couldn't find the right starting point. Yesterday a question guided me.
What are you waiting for?
There was no good answer to that question.
I am a beginner.