lost in the abundance

boxes and grids. 

marking time. 

It's the thing that I don't want but its the thing that I need. or the thing that I have to do. 

That is the world we live in. As much as I may want to follow the sun, to chase after the moon, to give in to the natural rhythms of rising and falling light, I cannot. I have to exist within the constructs that keep life moving forward. I want to do more than exist. 

Exist is kin to survival. I am here. My brain is sending all the right signals to my heart and to my lungs, to all the parts of me that keep me alive. Such an interesting words or words ... alive and live or living. Used as such a basic measure of heart beats and breaths, determining nothing much more than whether we are here or there. Wherever there is. 

We also use those words on a grand and magnificent scale. We want to feel ALIVE. We want to LIVE in the moment. We say we are LIVING our dreams. I feel thwarted by the limitations of the  English language, the only one I know. Is it different in other languages? Are there words  that are the same but used so differently? Or are there words that contain all the subtle shades of meaning? 

I fear the thinness of life. 

I am old, Gandalf. I don’t look it, but I am beginning to feel it in my heart of hearts. Well-preserved indeed! Why, I feel all thin, sort of stretched, if you know what I mean: like butter that has been scraped over too much bread. That can’t be right. I need a change, or something
— bilbo baggins


I don't feel all thin. I feel like a cold, hard, lump of butter that is pushed to the back of the refrigerator shelf, forgotten. I am forgetting myself. I am forgetting how to reach for the fullness of life. 

There is so much that I want to do, that I must do. All of the thoughts and lists jam up inside my mind. I've been trying to pull them out one by one and lay them into the boxes and the grids, into the calendar that dictates how we live. I want the flow, the loosey-gooosey way, but I am getting lost in it.  When there are appointments and events dictated by time, I can show up but I get  knocked off course because I am not keeping a big picture in my head, I am not planning well. I'm always running to catch up. 

I can imagine sometime in the future, I might be that eccentric old lady who stays in her house, doing yoga on her own time, taking her walks, dancing in the kitchen for her exercise. All of her other time will be spent sitting in the chair by the window, reading ...  or pushing paint around in the studio. When I am old, I will ignore the clock; I will take no notice of the calendar; the to-do list won't matter. 

I am not old yet and though it's a funny little dream, I do hope I won't ever be so old that I won't be busy with things that call for me to be somewhere at some time. 

Right now in this moment, I feel overwhelmed with all the tings. Right now in this moment, I am going to breathe and remember the words of a friend last week. 

" I started to get overwhelmed and then I remembered that I wasn't going to use the word overwhelmed this year. I am counting this as abundance ... Overwhelmed can seem like victim language"

I don't even have to reach for a full life. It is right here all ready. I will be grateful for this abundance of opportunities to do things, to be with people. I will trust that in the hours in between the scheduled things, I will be gently focused on the work I want to do. I will also not be so hard on myself. I'll pour a heaping amount of grace on this calendar and myself. That is where the flow is. 

what if it is OK to be lost in the abundance?