I slept really well last night for the first time in weeks. So well that I was late getting up this morning. I've been trying to reach for being back on schedule, give myself regular working hours, make the most of my time. I am not well practiced in managing my time well. I chase distractions like nobody's business. So it was kissing nine o clock before I woke up and made my way downstairs.
The dining room light was one which was my first clue that something had gone on during the night. My son came around the corner and said, "Did you see the cake?" um ... there's a cake? Yes. He and his brother had stayed up all night baking and decorating a cake as their friend's bitmoji. It's brilliant. The counters are sticky and the sink is full of dishes and other stuff is everywhere ... but the cake if fucking brilliant.
I went to make a cup of coffee but then decided to reach for writing first. This is where I want to be each morning and if I am trying to be more focused, let's start right now. While writing, my husband came downstairs to ask if I wanted to go to gentle yoga. Yes. I do. I need it and he needs it so yes, yoga it is but I want to finish this blog post. So tap ... tap ... tap ... and Swish ... I have no idea what happened. I accidentally hit just the right combination of keys and all that I had written vanished.
Now I am just fucking irritated ... angry really.
So up the stairs to find the clothes because we are going to yoga, damn it. Come hell or highwater, I am going to be in that class this morning. It's been a frantic week built upon other frantic weeks. The laundry that my husband so lovingly does has been piled up on the table. Then those piles have gotten thrown around as I look for this or that particular item. Then thrown onto the chair and back to the table and I've been meaning to clean out the closet and the drawers and it seems pointless to put away the clothes just to drag them out again. So ... clothes. Now I'm digging through the clothes and mumbling to myself about all of my frustrated feelings.
Down the stairs, stomp back and forth, feeling unprepared for this day which feels like it is already rolling over me. I haven't had coffee. I haven't had food. The clock is ticking down to time to leave for yoga. My blog post disappeared into the land of deletion. The counters are sticky and stuff is everywhere but there's a brilliant cake.
No big tragedies today. Just the pile up of little irritations. I feel completely off course.
I went to yoga. I cried all the way through yoga. I came home made a cup of coffee, ate some yogurt and fruit, and now back to my words. Back to wrapping words around real life.
This is it.
This is the life beyond curated filtered photos. This life beyond proofread and edited for an audience words. This is just life.
and it matters. This life matters. My life matters. and so does yours.