my year of pause

Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one.
— bruce lee

After a long, long night because I drank coffee too late in the afternoon, I slept in this morning, still with only five hours of sleep. I feel surprisingly renewed. Maybe it's the coffee is kicking in quickly. Or maybe it's the music in my ears that is energizing me. 

The playlist scrolls through and this song begins. I am immediately caught up in the driving beat. I am dancing in my chair. I am feeling every word.




This is a turn from my surrender of yesterday.

Or is it? 

What if I can hold both energies simultaneously? What if that is what it takes to show up to life? What if I can hold surrender in one hand and being unstoppable in the other and bring them both together, creating a just right way through? 


My word of the year is pause. 

Pause came to me and I breathed a sigh of relief. Yes. What is what I want. I want a year of nothing. I want a year to inhale. I want a year to push the pause button so that I can heal and learn how to be again. Maybe after a year, I can begin again ... work again ... live again.

2017 broke me. Shattered me and mine. Scattered our pieces far and wide. We have been walking through the world in shadow form. Existing. Doing what needs to be done to survive. It's not living but we don't know how to live without our Noah. How is that we are still here without the beating heart of Noah? That the entire world doesn't stop is an enigma. It simply doesn't seem possible that we wake up each morning and go on. 

Life doesn't allow for a year of nothing. And each inhale requires an exhale. And healing doesn't happen without hard work. And learning how to be again won't happen unless I be. I have work to do. the work of my hands. the work of my heart. the work of living. 

I think Noah has gifted me the idea of pause. Not as a way to retreat but as the means to show up. It means taking the time to surrender when necessary. It means inserting some play in the day ... recess was always the best part of a school day. It means soaking in the moments, the beautiful ones and the painful ones. They both have something to show me. 

Because of the pause, I can be unstoppable.