All I wanted was a cup of coffee.
And another hour and a half with my friend.
I didn't expect to blinded by four panels of yelling yellow.
I didn't expect to look up and not see a familiar list of options.
I didn't expect the change.
I am sure I over-reacted. I've never dealt well with change and now any little difference or shift is enough to send my emotions into the danger zone.
"Where is your normal menu?" I asked.
Poor not-his-fault-employee replies "we have it. I can read it to you."
"No. no. that's is not acceptable" I could feel the panic rising up.
I walked back and forth shaking my head, ranting to myself but just loud enough about how this really was one of the stupidest marketing campaigns. How does it make sense to take all your options off the menu to promote one thing.
I took a photo.
At this point, I wanted to leave. I wanted to run to safety. This felt like too much. too much change. But I also wanted to sit and talk with my friend for awhile longer. And I wanted to be a grown-ass human being who can deal with life. Scolding myself, "Cynthia, get your shit together", I ordered a decaf Blonde vanilla latte.
The Blonde that is taking up three plus panels of menu space isn't available as decaf.
Shaking my head, ranting more, I gave up. Please just refund my payment and I'll just go sit quietly in the corner with my friend and pretend like all of this is normal. I wish I could have said, "It's not you. It's me. It's not even me. It's grief. My son died five months ago. Isn't that enough change for one lifetime? Do I really have to deal with Starbucks taking more of my familiar from me?
Grief stiffens the body. the mind. the heart. Walls go up. Feet dig in. Hands hold back. Hold on. It's survival. it's getting through. it's going through the motions.
My mind tells me what my heart knows. When the winds blow, when the earth shakes, the rigid breaks. It is the softness that saves. The acceptances. The surrender. I know this but I don't feel it yet. I'm still planting stakes and gripping with all my might. Can't we just stop the earth from spinning, form taking another trip around the sun. Each moment forward is one more moment away from Noah. I don't want to go forward. I don't want all this change.