i miss feeling life

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My smile doesn't feel real. I can't remember the last time that I felt real joy. It lies just beyond my reach. Last night, my husband and I were watching Parks and Recreation and I heard myself laughing but I didn't feel it. I miss that feeling. 

I do enjoy things. I wonder at candleight and the light that streams through my kitchen window though the dried orange slices I hung in the window, little sun circles. Story still captivated me. Color still has the ability to stir my imagination. 

It's external. What I want to feel wraps around me, still familiar but it doesn't live within me. I miss what bubbles up from deep inside. I miss feeling life. 

I do not miss childhood, but I miss the way I took pleasure in small things, even as greater things crumbled. I could not control the world I was in, could not walk away from things or people or moments that hurt, but I took joy in the things that made me happy.
— neil gaiman