After a slow start to my morning yesterday, a slow start that included coffee and candles and showing up ... after that glorious beginning the errands waited. This is the nitty gritty of the day. This is the waiting in the school line. This is the multiple stops at the grocery stores. This is the rushing back home to unload the car, kiss the husband goodbye, and leave again.
While waiting to pick up my grandsons from school, I was able to hold on to that slow feeling, the magical feeling of just being. I was making a grocery list while waiting, listening to a podcast,and enjoying natural warmth and blue skies. It can feel tedious to do the the things that need to be done. Or it can feel magical. I chose magical.
The stores are back to there normal level of busyness after the holidays. It was easy to find a parking spot. There weren't a crowd of people shuffling through the aisles. Still I found myself feeling irritated at being blocked by a cart or by the people crowded around the sample table making it difficult to navigate to where I needed to go. I was feeling rushed. I wanted to get done and out of this particular area before the later afternoon traffic piled up.
My first moment of pause came as I was walking out, pushing my cart toward the attendant who would check my cart and receipt. An older couple walking slowly in front of me. I drew in a sigh of impatience and at that top of that breath, I remembered. Pause. Wait. I remembered how it feels to be pushed along. This couple was moving at their own pace and my impatience came because I wanted to impose my pace on them. I slowed down and walked in tempo with them. It made no real difference in how long it took for me to get out of the store and to my car. So why did I feel so pushy?
Then I had another moment of pause because obviously I needed an immediate reminder. This time at another grocery store, my huffing intake of sigh began in the check out lane. Again, at the top of that breath before I could release the sigh, I remembered. Pause. Wait. Don't be pushy. Back off. Give space.
Today, my thoughts are returning to those people yesterday who move through the world more slowly because they have to or because they want to or simply because this is the way they are. I'm thinking about how quickly I let impatience take hold within me. I am also thinking about how I am a slow person as well. My journals are littered with declaration and the permission giving, "I move at my own pace. and that is OK"
I am a slow person. I wasn't made for the fast track. I resist the go-go-go. And I get impatient with myself. I want to be able to do more, to move faster, to be beyond where I am right now. I have to remind myself to pause. wait. give space to myself for me to be who I am and how I am. Give that permission while also figuring out how to not get stuck in the pause, how to keep moving. I'm learning how to march in step and tempo with this drumbeat.