in this moment, what I want


2) What do you really want?


I want to see my beautiful boy continue his journey into adulthood, chasing his dreams, falling more in love, creating a life of adventure. 

I want hope to return. 

I want to turn back time and correct the mistakes and love more and text and call even if it did seem like I was worrying ... because I did worry but I tried to trust and trust more. I want to go back further and be more present and more alive and I want things to be different then so maybe things could be different now.

I want to be gentle and pour grace on myself because depression was not something I chose nor is it something I could ever control.

I want to believe in second chances.

I want to have resources ... money and energy and time ... to make it all easier for everyone. It will never be easy but if I could just lift some of this weight off all of us. I want to be that strong. 

I want to be able to breathe.

I want silence and quiet and solitude to be a friend again. 

I want to not waste a second or an ounce of this grief ... because if I am going to be forever changed ( and I already am) I want the change to be for good and for love and for light.