december reflections | my word for 2018

he who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead; his eyes are closed.
— albert einstein

pause 4.jpg

For the past few years, I have done the unvraveling and I have worked through choosing my word of the year ... taking stock, sorting through my thoughts and feelings, setting goals, making plans  ... but this year, I could not. Looking back on 2017 with any gentleness has not been possible. Looking forward to 2018 with any anticipation has not been possible. 

I have been feeling like I am in limbo ... in the inbetween space ... stuck ... paused. With swift certainty, I knew that my word had found me. It's all I wanted to do.

Pause.

Give myself more space and time.

Pause.

Make no plans. Have a do nothing year.

Pause. 

Sit in the quietness each day. Read more than I have in a long time. 

Pause.

Pull away. Hide away. Become small. 

Pause.

Everyone would understand. I would be accommodated and affirmed in my choice to shrink, to withdraw, to get quiet. 

Everyone except one. 


My Noah, my son, whose soul left his earthly body on August 17th, 2017 ... whose energy and presence still surrounds me ... whose voice still speaks so clearly to me. He is not happy with my choice of pause ... or at least my definition and application of that word. Noah has let me know in no uncertain terms that I cannot let fear and worry and the fatigue of grief dictate the way that I live. He didn't live his life burdened by anything. He lived and he loved so expansively. 

When I think about his decision to move to Florida, just six months into a long distance relationship, I know that it can appear to be a flighty, thoughtless choice. It can seem like he followed his whims. No. Noah wasn't like that. He was so grounded and he made plans and worked his plans. He was deliberate in the way that he lived without fear, without worry.

Noah has been whispering in my ear. He says, "Mamasita, pause is your word but it doesn't mean what you think it means. It's not about you pulling away, shutting down. It's about you being even more present." 

So the word remains. And I am being deliberate with it. I am going to excavate every bit of meaning and purpose from this word, from this intention. 

Already, it is giving to me. 

There's something brewing ... no, that's not the right word. It's more like something was thrown into the Instant Pot and it is READY! In the flash of an afternoon, an idea came to me about how I want to live out this year of pause. My mind said ... no ... but ... you should ... not now ... you're not ready ... wait ... pause.  And Noah said, "Mamasita, why wait? Everyone is waiting ... the world is waiting ... for what? Just do it." 

So, I'm doing it.

I invite you to sign up for my newsletter this morning because tonight, before the stroke of midnight, before the turning of the year, I'll be sending out a bit more explanation of what I'm doing and tomorrow, we begin.

 

It's going to be INCANTATIONAL.