december reflections | favorite photo of me

Bottom line is, even if you see ‘em coming, you’re not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So what are we, helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come. You can’t help that. It’s what you do afterwards that counts. That’s when you find out who you are.
— joss whedon

favorite photo of me.jpg

I loved this photo so much that I made it the background of my home page. 

On that day, I woke up crying. It was a few days after the inauguration and I was feeling vulnerable and tender. I told my husband that everyday I need him to look me in the eyes and remind me that it's all going to be OK. That afternoon, he did just that and added, "because we are resisting. others are resisting." Yes we are. 

On that day, that morning, I layered on necklaces and felt like i was putting on my armor, my magical protection, my empowering cloak. 

I love this photo because I look determined, sure. 

Today I don't feel so determined. Life waves have washed over me, knocking me to me knees over and over. I am unsure of life, of myself. There's a line from the movie Juno from when she tells her parents that she is pregnant and her father says, "I thought you were the kind of girl who knew when to say when." and Juno quietly replies, "I have no idea what kind of girl I am."

It's such a heart aching statement. I feel it profoundly. 

I'm finding out what kind of woman I am .. I'm finding out who I am.