december reflections | best decision of 2017

There is a voice inside of you
That whispers all day long,
”I feel this is right for me,
I know that this is wrong.”
No teacher, preacher, parent, friend
Or wise man can decide
What’s right for you—just listen to
The voice that speaks inside
— shel silverstein


I've thought about this prompt all day today. Looking back on this year is ever so difficult and labeling anything as good or bad, better, best, or worst is near to impossible. I can't take the moments and shove them into those compartments. I can look at say this was a good choice ... and beyond that I don't say much. I've learned that labeling anything a wrong or bad choice right now is not productive at all. 

So, I've look back and asked myself, "what are you grateful that you did." 

One quick answer that comes up is enrolling in Witch Camp with Maia Toll. Then my mind wanders to how I discovered witch camp in the first place and that all has to do with my return to Facebook. Hmmm ... but then that leads to leaving Facebook and maybe that is where I need to start this story because I do believe these things are all connected. 

Back in late March ... early April ... I left Facebook. The constant barrage of political news was wearing on me and I wanted to give my time and attention to my art, to creating my website, to writing. I was done ... deleted the account ... and never looked back. 

Then in early August, a friend invited me to be part of an e-course she had developed. Like many of these things, there would be a Facebook group to go along with it. Up until that point, I had resisted anything that had a Facebook group just not letting that be part of my experience in the world. Something within me said to give this a try. So I signed back up for Facebook with super tight privacy controls. I friended no one and kept everything on my page for my eyes only. THEN I had to change my email address on the account and I found out that Facebook doesn't like it when you have no friends. They blocked access to my account. 

When I finally resolved that issue, I started adding a few friends here and there. Then my Noah died and I was ever so grateful to be connected on Facebook to the people who love him. It was a huge source of support in those early days and weeks. 

Since I had left behind the former friend list, it changed a bit on my return. One of the friend recommendations was Maia Toll. I looked at her profile and realized that she owned an herb shop in Asheville, NC and that's close to me so I requested her friendship. She accepted and from there I was Grounding My Shit with her and then on to Witch Camp. There's other layers to the story which are too much to find space for right now. All I can say is that I can look back on this piece of the journey and see the connections and many of the reasons why. 

But Witch Camp wasn't the best decision. Returning to Facebook wasn't the best decision. Leaving Facebook in the first place wasn't the best decision. 

The best decision is one I make every day ... to listen to my inner voice. 

Sometimes she guides me to do things that really don't make sense but she never guides me wrong. She knows; she always knows. I spent years in an institution that taught me not to trust myself, my wisdom, my voice. It has taken the last ten years or so to tune into her and I am still learning to know her voice when she calls.