december reflections | five things about me

Men go abroad to wonder at the heights of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motions of the stars, and they pass by themselves without wondering.
— st. augustine

5 things about me.jpg

five things about me

This should be a simple reflection but it's not. 

Why is it so difficult to take a look at my life, my self, and list five things, make five observations?

I am mostly an introspective person so it's not because I don't peer within. I like to think that I make my way into the world holding curiosity as my lens; It's easy for me to notice other things, other people. It's not because I don't think too deeply about myself. If anything, I am quite self aware of my strengths and my weaknesses. 

This particular reflection stumbled me last year and this year again. 

In this particular moment, I feel like a flat stanley, two dimensional, no substance. I am a robot programmed for existence. What is there interesting to say about myself? <<< GAH ... that sounds so pathetic. I hate that I feel and sound so weary and pathetic. Grief consumes the lightness. If I could choose to feel any other way, I would but I don't get to choose. Grief is in control.

Ok ... I've sat here long enough staring at the screen  ... let's make a list.

1. I don't like to fly. Well, not entirely the truth. It's OK but my  body doesn't tolerate it very well at all. This is going to make my eventual trip to Ireland quite challenging. 

2. Speaking of challenges, I love them. I could build my life around creating challenges for work, fitness, reading, making art. It's the way that I grow and reach beyond my comfort zone. 

3. Speaking of being out my comfort zone, I am a blue dot in a red state but I think I might still be a registered Republican though I haven't voted that way since 2000. 

4. Speaking of 2000, that might be the number of books I got rid of when we moved to this house two years ago. I did the whole magic of tidying up thing and held books to my chest and felt whether or not they brought me joy. I haven't regretted it and I realized this week that probably more need to go. I won't be doing that any time soon though. I have a firm commitment to not make any significant changes or purging or acquisitions during this first year of grief. 

5. Speaking of grief, it seems that I can speak of nothing but grief right now. It takes so much of my energy, my thoughts, my being. I hold a deep fear that I will lose people in my life because there is nothing, little, but grief right now. Be patient. I'll come back around, changed, but I will be back.